Volume 13, Number 6: October 2005
Caring for Children Plus Parents-and Yourself
The sandwich generation: They're the middle-aged women and men-often Boomers, but Babies no more-who find themselves caring for elderly or ailing parents while still raising children. "Sandwich" may be too light a term for the pressures they feel.
Yet let's make clear that this article is about not only child and parent caregivers, but about any of the 7,000,000 people who care, unpaid, for adults with disabilities. Some caregivers may not even recognize themselves as such. Do you regularly help a family-less elderly friend, and stay on-call for her emergencies? Do you have chief responsibility, among your siblings, for your father in a nursing home? These responsibilities, no matter how lovingly accepted, require energy and sacrifice. You are a caregiver, even if not on the scale of someone caring, at home, for a loved one with Alzheimer's disease.
That situation, of course, is devastating, but tremendous resources exist to help such caregivers-right here in Leon and surrounding counties. From the Alzheimer Resource Center in Tallahassee, as well as from other agencies and web sites, HealthLine has gathered information and advice to aid and support caregivers. We hope you will use this overview both as reassurance and a springboard to further help.
Realize What You Face
Most American lives are already full and fast. If you add to that the care of someone elderly, scarce time becomes more so. You will be juggling family and job conflicts. You will probably be spending more money. The result is too often physical and emotional stress.
For important reasons, you should not ignore the anxiety and 'shoulder on.' The emotional stress isn't simply unpleasant. Studies show it affects your health and ability to provide care. Caring for yourself will help you care better for your loved one.
"Caring for aging parents can be a complicated undertaking, especially for Boomers with children. Add Alzheimer's disease, and the difficulty compounds dramatically. Suddenly it's not just coordinating a job, soccer games, and medical appointments. Now it's figuring out who can stay with Mom because she can't be left alone."
April G. Henkel, M.S.
Program Director,
Alzheimer Resource Center
Take Stock Systematically
To fulfill your main goal of nurturing, don't neglect a thorough review of the person's options, needs, and resources. Consider housing, medical care, insurance, finances, family relations, and legal matters. Do you know all physicians and current medications? Bank accounts? Where important papers are kept? Some matters may seem impersonal, but they are essential to the person.
Two online sources for a review are www.arc-tallahassee.org (see Checklist) and www.aarp.org (search for "new caregivers").
Get Outside Help
Do not try to do everything by yourself. Assistance is out there. You should feel no guilt about needing or seeking help, because the ultimate beneficiary is your loved one. Some types of resources to tap:
- community agencies that provide, for example, meal delivery, support groups, respite care, training for caregivers, and counseling (including ways to help your children adjust)
- professional helpers or day care centers, to give yourself periodic breaks
- friends who would be glad to help with home maintenance, driving, shopping, or research
To Cope, Take Care of Yourself
A prime reason to take advantage of outside help is that you need to stay healthy: eat well, exercise, and sleep. With around-the-clock caregiving, you can't. It's okay to use a sitter's visit to take a nap, to accept a friend's roast chicken (rather than ordering pizza), to reserve a regular walking time. Experts also advise:
Stay in communication with others, and speak up when you're feeling overwhelmed.
Accept that you'll have negative feelings-anger, resentment, despair . . . and then guilt. This is natural. The point is to deal with the feelings. Probe exactly what caused them, look for ways to change the situation, hold a family meeting when you're more steady.
Don't lose your own life. Even in small ways, exert control and direct your life. Do some things you enjoy, just for yourself.
Laugh! No, not hysterically. What does tickle your funny bone? An old friend's stories? Slapstick movies? Lex and Terry? Whatever it is, indulge, preferably with others. Laughter is not just good medicine, it's cheap medicine.